Call me cynical,
But I just don’t believe that anyone will ever truly love me for what i’m worth. It’s hard to imagine someone adding value into my life, or meeting someone who could open my eyes to new and bigger things. Maybe it’s because in all my past relationships I’ve always been the one to introduce them to new ideas. I look at the people in this town and they’re all the same. I’m lucky to have found friends who are into most of the weird stuff that i’m into. Is it so bad that I crave more? Lately i’ve been feeling as though I need to leave this place. I’m still stuck in a mentality where i’m a young kid. Yes, I live with my parents. They help me when I need it and to be honest, right now I cannot do it on my own. I just don’t want to grow up only to work a decent job, and live in scottsdale… where i’ve lived my entire life.
The way I look at it is, if you don’t challenge yourself each and every day, you’ll just let life pass you by. I know it because that is how i’m living my life right now. I wake up every day and I tell myself “i’ll do it tomorrow. next week. when i’m done with this project” and so on. The only reason i’m allowing myself to live like this is because I know that right now I have to focus on school. Even with school I feel like I could be doing so much more, but it’s so hard when I barely have enough to pay for my belongings. Many people my age have kids, or they’re not going to school, or they are just taking life so slowly. I need to start taking advantage of my situation. I’m single, don’t have any children, and I go to school full time. But why doesn’t it feel like enough?
Lately, I’ve been too sad to be myself. Everyone around me keeps telling me “you’ll get over it.” Like, don’t you understand that this is the END of something that once meant EVERYTHING to me. I think about that and it makes me feel disgusting. The fact that I was so attached to another human being that I didn’t even see myself as a person, only as part of a relationship. Right now i’m feeling like i’ve lost my entire world. I can’t even come to my senses and truly acknowledge that life is just not the same anymore. I think that is my problem… i’m content with life when everything is stable, even if in the long run it is a compromise. I don’t want to live life like that anymore.
Everything in my life has been stable, up until now. My family life, my love life, my job, and my school, I’ve never had to struggle to maintain those things. But am I happy with them? I’m thankful that my family life is stable, that’s a blessing. My job is my first and only job i’ve ever worked, which goes to show that I’m too afraid to even think about looking for another job. Why am I so afraid? I wish I knew… My love life is nonexistent. Most of the time i’m wishing that I could go back in time to fix everything, but the only reason I wish for that is because I don’t know anything else. I don’t even know how to talk to a guy, or how to even look attractive for guys. And school, well fuck, it’s easy but I just wish it would go by faster. It might sound absurd, but I need some instability in my life so that I can grow.
In my heart, I know that I can do great things. I might not be the smartest in school or the most athletic or whatever, but I have different ideas than most. In 10 years, I picture myself being something more than this. I ask myself, “do I honestly believe that I can do this?” Sometimes the answer is yes, but most of the time I don’t know… These days i’m honestly not too sure about anything.
I believe in fate, and I believe in destiny. I also believe that life presents us with our destiny and it’s up to us to decide where we want to go from there. Most of the time i’m just scared that those moments are now, and that i’m not doing enough to become the best I can be. For the longest time I was losing sight of who I truly was. I was becoming a miserable, bitter person. I hated life and I treated those that loved me the most like dispensable objects. These recent problems in my life have really changed me. I’m not the immature girl that only wanted attention and praise. I don’t want to keep revisiting relationships that do nothing for me only because it’s all I know. I need to push myself, to look for other things in life which I haven’t seen. If things are meant to be, they will be, in time… right?
I guess i’m still looking for answers to my questions. I don’t know if I will ever find love again, or if I will ever find the answers to these questions, but I do know that I’m going to try my best from now on.
